by Wred Fright

The Dark Web holds many nefarious sites where criminals and malcontents of every stripe may congregate online to cause more grief to the civil societies of the world, but one site in particular is dreaded by even them. It is the site that reviews all of us, for we all are customers and consumers and we are all subject to the reviews of Yelp in Reverse. Here is one such review! Pray that you never find yours . . .

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Customer: Arnie Swinginham

Overall: 2.5 Stars

Not a great customer but tolerable enough.

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Roy’s Rocking Pizza Shop

Cleveland, Ohio

*5,671 Customers

*5,671 Reviews

2 out of 5 stars

Customer comes in regularly without wearing pants, even in winter he does this, making the other customers uncomfortable. He also likes to talk loudly about how America is the land of the free, so he is free not to wear pants. Fortunately, he’s takeout only. It would be one star, but he does pay. This review is mainly to get him to start wearing pants. Also, quit talking about how great Trump is. No one here wants to hear that crap.

****

Bob’s Barber Pole

Cleveland, Ohio

*568 Customers

*2 Reviews

1 out of 5 stars

I finally had to kick him out. I got so tired of him pointing out that the “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service” sign said nothing about not wearing pants that I magicmarkered it in and told him to come back when he was wearing pants. I also got tired of Lysoling the barber chair after his haircut was done. Other customers find it gross, you know? Also, he never tipped well, even though he always made me shave his ass.

****

Paul’s Pants

Cleveland, Ohio

*1,021 Customers

*1 review

5 out of 5 stars

He’s actually never shopped here. I just read the other reviews, and he just sounds like someone who should stop on in. We have some great pants here, Arnie!

****

Nadine’s Nudist Colony

Cleveland, Ohio

*345 Customers

*57 Reviews

4 out of 5 stars

Arnie is a sweet, sweet man. He just doesn’t like to wear pants. If only, he didn’t like wearing shirts; it would be 5 out of 5. Arnie, you don’t have to wear a shirt here, especially if it’s one of those hideous Hawaiian ones you love. Also, try to use toilet paper a bit more.

****

Walmart

Cleveland, Ohio

*19,697 Customers

*12 Reviews

1 out of 5 stars

I don’t care if it is 2 in the morning, put some pants on! Some are on sale in the clearance section. Also, when I greet you, try to smile; don’t say you miss K-Mart because they never hassled you about pants. There’s a reason they ain’t around much anymore, bub! They might have tolerated perverts like you walking around, but this is a family store. I shudder to think what a member of the Walton family would think if they walked in and you were there not wearing pants. I’m trying to make District Manager! I don’t need hassles like this! Also, if you want to keep complaining about how everything we sell is made in China, why the heyhey you shopping here anywayway. It’s two in the morning, I just want to keep doing shots in the manager’s office and get through the night at what has to be the worst Walmart in America. I want to get out of this hellhole, but a gal dreaming of a lucrative career in retail management has to start somewhere. But I don’t need crap like this. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were the one who crapped on the floor in sporting goods the other night. Hey, bub, we got adult diapers on sale this week. At least, put on one of those when you come in. God, I need another drink. I hope I remember to delete this review in the morning, but I had to do something. Otherwise, I will again be slamming my forehead repeatedly against the coffee vending machine. Coffee vending machine? How much money does this company make, and they can’t give employees free coffee? I bet Target gives free coffee.
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Wred Fright’s last story for us was “Operator 73 Takes a Swim.”

Read more about Wred and his writings here: http://www.wredfright.com