by John Haymaker
I. The Great Echo
A vibrant sound had reached Globiliad, a planet 10 billion trillion light years from Earth and inhabited by a highly evolved alien species known as Globules. Their commander, General Nimble, organized a quest to locate the sounds’ source. His assembled forces, a brigade of multicolored Globules the exact size of tennis balls, streaked across space fleet as a comet’s tail. Amazingly, they had no need of extraterrestrial craft and propelled themselves through the void utilizing dark matter and dark energy. For these alien beings had brains as dense and compact as microchips and had evolved to control matter with their minds, arranging and rearranging atoms in any formation on a whim – even adding to the periodic table as if it were a Scrabble board.
As their special ability increased, their arms and legs became useless and withered away. They became round beings with eyes, mouths and noses floating freely over their circumference. Generally they were a playful, agreeable race full of good humor – who wouldn’t be happy with complete control over the elements?
The Globules pinpointed the sound’s source as a jumble of radio signals emanating from planet Earth, and they thereupon commenced to traverse the broad expanse of space-time in microseconds toward the sound. On the way, they binge-watched Netflix, Prime, YouTube and learned our languages, even dead ones, consuming all knowledge thus far attained on earth.
They grew keen on pop culture and acculturated to Earth’s vibe well before landing. They devoured social media, discovered Twitter, enjoyed absolutely everything posted on Facebook – sucking it up, clicking virtual Likes with licks of their millions of tongues.
On Earth, a din of radio static grew loud as an echo chamber. Scientists anticipated something colossal targeted earth. They theorized meteors or comets – and issued warnings. Then the tweets commenced from @intergalactic, Nimble’s Twitter handle: We’re coming from Globiliad @earth #peace #friendship – followed by an array of pics of their dazzling celestial procession. On Monday, Likes on Facebook grew exponentially. By Tuesday, sociologists gave up providing explanations. By Wednesday, theoretical physicists weighed in with a theory of a dark matter effect – maybe even an effect of dark energy, for all they knew.
Though scientists and software techs warned against responding, @lonewolf tweeted, It’s a hoax! Which caused @anonymous to tweet out a spoof of aliens in tinfoil hats watching a War of the Worlds trailer.
@intergalactic tweeted back, No hoax, baby. We cum 4 U! This last tweet was meant in the nicest of ways – Globules are friendly, remember. But the Twitter board panicked and suspended @intergalactic’s account. But not before his Globule minions retweeted the content ad nauseam, leading ISPs to suspect spambots attempting denial of service.
II. The Great Invasion
The Globules might have rained down on Earth as a formidable army, but Nimble sought to avoid unduly panicking earthlings and ordered his forces to hold up on the moon. Stationed on a lunar wasteland, some amused themselves by manipulating lunar elements to nurture an Earth-like atmosphere and oceans.
Meanwhile, Nimble and an advance team arrived on Earth. They descended to a gathering crowd near Silicon Valley – which seemed the heartbeat of the sound they’d heard. Yet no Earthlings believed the Globules came from outer space. These colorful balls must be weather balloons! or Cirque du Soleil freaks! or Artificial Intelligence gone berserk!
Earth would need to be convinced, Nimble decided. Thereupon, Nimble commanded his forces to invade in the manner earthlings expected of aliens. In a nanosecond, the Globules abandoned their project on the moon. The heavens darkened, alien ships filled the sky. Metallic discs, saucers and cigar-shaped torpedoes ringed the earth like magnetized charged particles. By night, a thousand more stars shone, displaying dizzying mastery of motion, zipping hither and thither in impossible maneuvers. YouTube flooded with uploads. Twitter servers temporarily shutdown.
The invading army intercepted TV and radio signals to broadcast their own message: SURRENDER OR DIE! Men and women alike screamed and cried. Young ones hid beneath bedcovers and watched on YouTube while texting friends.
Another tweet from @intergalactic: JUST KIDDING. WE LOVE IT HERE @earthlings #haha.
When the Globules exited their craft, the discs and saucers and cigars simply vanished. The world was suddenly awash in a frothing, foamy rainbow bubble bath of the globule aliens. No worries, humans grew to like having them around – since it is so awesome being friended and followed.
III. The Great Pop
Pop culture became a virus on the Globules’ true nature – tweets, conspiracy theories, Netflix and Prime caused the Globules to lose focus, and they soon lost control over the elements. Mind over matter became mindless and matter-less. Then the great POP occurred, and the Globules sank to the ground, popping like balloons. Molecular biologists explained the popping was a consequence of the Globules’ sudden devolution: their arms and legs were regenerating and poking out so suddenly the Globules spherical bodies burst. Virologists disagreed, contending the popping was actually pooping caused by an unknown viral infection attacking these aliens’ bowels.
In any case, the Globules had become airheads – no trace of their once compact brains could be found. Within twenty-four hours, the Globules went extinct.
IV. The Great Silence
Social media fell silent. No one knew what to say or who to follow. Great as it was, the silence couldn’t last but a minute before @anonymous tweeted, Come back. We loved you too @intergalactic #lonely-hearts #needy. Stunned earthlings looked skyward, hoping their new friends might return – only then noticing the moon had become a mini-earth, blue as a marble shooter replete with an Amazon jungle.
The internet burst into a twittering frenzy lamenting the loss of the Man in the Moon. Conspiracy theorists raged: It’s Zuckerberg! He’s taken his Meta-Verse to a whole ‘nother level. No! It’s Elon! He’s mining heavy metals for Tesla batteries. Nope! It’s Bezos, he’s creating Amazon shopping on the moon for his space tourism venture!
To this day, trolls and followers number in the billions – on this and even untold worlds.
John Haymaker is an LGBTQIA+ writer whose stories and nonfiction appear in various online journals, including The Hooghly Review, The Bookends Review, Hawaii Pacific Review, Quibble Lit, Cosmic Double, Across the Margin and more. His Chinese-to-English translation reprints appear online at Bewildering Stories. Find John online at https://johnhaymaker.com.